Oh, God!
Pain. Every merciless hit had fire licking through Ethan’s body, his brain function dimming as he fought unconsciousness, obviously his body’s way of trying to save itself from the agony.
“Gavin!” Ethan yelled. Or at least he thought he was yelling. The sound came out more as a gasp. He needed help, unable to save himself from the brutality.
“Don’t say his name,” Jimmy roared. “Never say his fucking name again. He’s not a queer like you!”
Ethan couldn’t hang on. He tried to make his brain function enough to breathe through the pain, but it was too much for him to handle. There was nothing he could do as the blackness wrapped around him, sucking him under. He was hovering on the edge of consciousness, wanting desperately to escape, but knowing if he let go, he might never wake up.
He wanted to wake up. This couldn’t be the end. Couldn’t be the –
“Ethan! Wake up, baby.”
Ethan searched for the voice from inside the cruel dream, tried to pull himself out of the nightmare. The sweetest voice was calling him and he knew he needed to get to him, needed to find Beau. Needed someone to save him.
Hard arms wrapped around him, gripping him tight and holding him close. Familiar arms. Not trying to hurt him.
There was no pain.
“E, baby, wake up,” Beau whispered against his ear, his lips warm where they touched him.
Ethan managed to force his eyes open. The room was dark and it took a moment to orient himself, but he recognized his bedroom, his pillow, the spicy rich scent of Beau.
He was grateful when Beau didn’t say a word, didn’t ask any questions, just kept him securely wrapped in the safe circle of his arms. He had no idea how much time passed as he lay there, soaking up Beau’s warmth, listening to his heartbeat, feeling the flex of his muscles around him.
“I’m sorry,” Ethan said some time later when he managed to get his breathing regulated, his heartbeat back to a normal rhythm.
“Don’t apologize,” Beau said roughly, but softly, his arms tightening ever so slightly.
Ethan nodded his head in agreement and burrowed closer to Beau. He was facing away from him, and he was thankful Beau couldn’t see his face. Had he been crying? He knew in the past he’d awoken from the nightmare drenched in sweat, tears streaming down his face. He didn’t want Beau to see him like that.
He hadn’t had a nightmare about Gavin or Jimmy in a long time. Several months at least. And he knew what brought it on, but the memories were now forefront in his mind and he knew it was going to take some time to push them back into that little box that he tried to keep them contained in, no matter how desperate they were to get out.
“E?” Beau’s voice was steady and strong, a lifeline that Ethan found himself clinging to.
“Yeah?”
“If you ever want to talk, just know I’m here.”
Ethan swallowed past the lump in his throat. He wanted to take Beau up on the offer, to share his deepest, darkest secrets with this man, but he knew it wouldn’t help. If anything, Beau would probably look at him differently. If he knew that Ethan was responsible…
God, if Beau ever found out that Ethan was responsible for what happened to Gavin, he would probably never want anything to do with him again.
Beau held Ethan close, Ethan’s back crushed against his chest with Beau’s arm curled beneath Ethan’s head. They had fallen asleep like that, had been like that for hours and it wasn’t until Ethan began thrashing that Beau had awakened. At first he’d been confused about where he was. Then when he heard Ethan’s panicked voice, his guttural scream, Beau had been brought from his sleepy stupor and right into reality.
Ethan had been having a nightmare. A terrible one if Beau had to guess. Even now, he wondered if Ethan would even try to go to sleep after that. Neither of them were moving and Beau wasn’t going to let him go if he didn’t have to, so he’d be happy to lay there for hours, awake, watching over him. He wanted to protect Ethan, even from himself and if that meant he had to stay awake so that Ethan could get some rest, it was what he was going to do.
His offer to listen had been accepted exactly the way he expected. Ethan wasn’t going to talk. Maybe not ever, but Beau wanted him to know he was there. He would always be there. For as long as Ethan would have him.
Ethan shifted, reaching across the mattress and Beau had to loosen his hold briefly. When he realized Ethan was reaching for the nightstand, a shiver of awareness raced down his spine.
“Turn over,” Ethan said, his voice much steadier than minutes before.
Beau watched him carefully for a moment before turning over onto his stomach, his head turned so that he could watch Ethan. He kept him in his sights as Ethan rolled a condom over himself before grabbing the bottle of lube that still remained on the bedside table. It was clear what Ethan’s intentions were, and if this was what he needed, Beau would give it to him. Not that he thought it would help, but if anything, it would allow Beau to feel closer to him. And he hoped Ethan would feel the same.