Was it because I knew that I was the only one who could see clearly? That both Bella and I were invisible to the others? Like we were alone, just the two of us, hidden in the dark room, sitting so close beside one another...
My hand moved toward her without my permission. Just to touch her hand, to hold it in the darkness. Would that be such a horrific mistake? If my skin bothered her, she only had to pull away...
I yanked my hand back, folded my arms tightly across my chest and clenched my hands closed. No mistakes. I'd promised myself that I would make no mistakes, no matter how minimal they seemed. If I held her hand, I would only want more - another insignificant touch, another move closer to her. I could feel that. A new kind of desire was growing in me, working to override my self-control.
Jacob and Bella were thinking the complete opposite thing here.
No mistakes.
Bella folded her arms securely across her own chest, and her hands balled up into fists, just like mine.
"You feeling this too, aren't you?" Jacob questioned, "and I know it didn't happen..."
"Yeah, I think I am feeling this," Bella answer before he could say any more. "I wonder what it means."
"It seems like you're calling to each other somehow," Jacob said, and then he bit his lip. It seemed like some kind of instinctual reaction that went way beyond human... whatever that means.
What are you thinking? I was dying to whisper the words to her, but the room was too quiet to get away with even a whispered conversation.
The movie began, lightening the darkness just a bit. Bella glanced up at me. She noted the rigid way I held my body - just like hers - and smiled. Her lips parted slightly, and her eyes seemed full of warm invitations.
Or perhaps I was seeing what I wanted to see.
I smiled back; her breathing caught with a low gasp and she looked quickly away.
That made it worse. I didn't know her thoughts, but I was suddenly positive that I had been right before, and that she wanted me to touch her. She felt this dangerous desire just as I did.
Between her body and mine, the electricity hummed.
Bella blushed, still not sure what this all meant, but had a good idea. She was also wondering what would happen if he did touch her.
She didn't move all through the hour, holding her stiff, controlled pose as I held mine. Occasionally she would peek at me again, and the humming current would jolt through me with a sudden shock.
"Um... stop looking at him," Jacob said.
"I doubt I can help it," Bella said. "Besides, he's looking at me nonstop... I should be allowed to look too."
The hour passed - slowly, and yet not slowly enough. This was so new, I could have sat like this with her for days, just to experience the feeling fully.
"So the electricity was pleasant," Jacob said.
"Apparently," Bella said evenly, but she was still blushing.
I had a dozen different arguments with myself while the minutes passed, rationality struggling with desire as I tried to justify touching her.
Finally, Mr. Banner turned the lights on again.
In the bright fluorescent light, the atmosphere of the room returned to normal.
Bella sighed and stretched, flexing her fingers in front of her. It must have been uncomfortable for her to hold that position for so long. It was easier for me - stillness came naturally.
"So now you're trying to mimic the vampires," Jacob said shaking his head, trying to laugh.
"Well, they are the coolest thing around," Bella smiled when he made a face at that.
I chuckled at the relieved expression on her face. "Well, that was interesting."
"Umm," she murmured, clearly understanding what I referred to, but making no comment. What I wouldn't give to hear what she was thinking right now.
"I would like to know that too," Bella said.
"I wouldn't have guessed that by your smug expression," Jacob chuckled.
I sighed. No amount of wishing was going to help with that.
Both Bella and Jacob were chuckling at that.
"Shall we?" I asked, standing.
She made a face and got unsteadily to her feet, her hands splayed out as if she were afraid she was going to fall.
I could offer her my hand. Or I could place that hand underneath her elbow - just lightly - and steady her. Surely that wouldn't be such a horrible infraction...
No mistakes.
"How would that be a mistake?" Bella questioned.
"Even with hearing his thoughts, I can't really understand most of his thinking," Jacob shrugged. "Though it's clear that he's afraid of touching you."
She was very quiet as we walked toward the gym. The crease was in evidence between her eyes, a sign that she was deep in thought. I, too, was thinking deeply.
One touch of her skin wouldn't hurt her, my selfish side contended.
I could easily moderate the pressure of my hand. It wasn't exactly difficult, as long as I was firmly in control of myself. My tactile sense was better developed than a human's; I could juggle a dozen crystal goblets without breaking any of them; I could stroke a soap bubble without popping it. As long as I was firmly in control...
"And you're always in control, so it will be fine," Bella said.
"He's not always in control... we've seen him out of control," Jacob said anxiously.
Bella just frowned at that and Jacob read on.
Bella was like a soap bubble - fragile and ephemeral. Temporary.
How long would I be able to justify my presence in her life? How much time did I have? Would I have another chance like this chance, like this moment, like this second?
She would not always be within my arm's reach...
Bella turned to face me at the gym's door, and her eyes widened at the expression on my face. She didn't speak. I looked at myself in the reflection of her eyes and saw the conflict raging in my own. I watched my face change as my better side lost the argument.