I felt a flush creeping up my cheeks. I knew darned well the session was public, but I’d been so focused on Chase and his knots I’d almost forgotten I had an audience.
Stacy gave me a sympathetic smile. “Don’t worry...it’s okay. It’s what we want to have happen in the club...it’s good for business.”
The waitress arrived with the checks. “Sorry if that sounded a little cold...I get into business mode sometimes without thinking of how it comes across. But the energy from a session like that just buzzes through the whole place. You know; I was there when you saw Jane and you had quite a reaction.”
I blushed again.
She winked. “It’s okay, it’s all so intense. Not exactly something you experience every day, you know?” With one quick gesture, she grabbed both checks.
Stacy had given me a number where I could try to reach Jane. I gave it a day, thinking about what I wanted to say to her so that I didn’t sound like a maniac or scare her off. It was after dinner when I finally punched the number into the phone, my heart beating in an erratic little dance in my chest.
The phone rang for a long time and I realized there probably wasn’t going to be any voice mail system that would allow me to leave a message. I sighed. This wasn’t going to be easy.
Just as I was about to hang up the ringing stopped. I wasn’t sure if a machine picked up, the phone had disconnected or if someone had answered.
“Hello?” There was a groggy female voice on the other end.
“I’m sorry to bother you. I’m looking for Jane?” You don’t even know her last name, Abby.
“Who the hell is this? If you’re a telemarketer, I’ve got a police whistle here and I’m not afraid to use it.” The voice had lost its groggy tone; it sounded more like an angry bear someone woke up early from hibernation.
“My name is Abby Phillips. You don’t know me...”
“You’re damned right I don’t know you. And I’m not buying anything you’re selling.”
I knew she was going to hang up any moment and in desperation I shouted, “I’m Jake Meyers’ submissive, so please don’t hang up!”
There was silence on the other end of the line. I thought I’d lost her but I finally heard a muttered sigh...or a quiet curse.
“What do you want?” I heard the sound of a match, then a long exhale.
“I wanted...I was hoping I could meet you, talk to you about...well, Jake.” Smooth. Well planned, Abby.
There was a snort of laughter on the other end, followed by another long whoosh of breath. I could almost smell the cigarette smoke through the receiver.
“Is he being a bad Dom?” There was another laugh, just as unpleasant. “Yeah, okay. I’ll meet you. Only because I’m curious to see who Jake’s with now.”
Jane gave me an address, a small bar in a rundown neighborhood a long way from my apartment. She said she’d be there at some time around ten o’clock, when her shift started.
“If I remember, I’ll try to be there a little early. But don’t count on it.” The line went dead.
Why do all these people stay up all night? I tried to take a nap, but I was too restless to actually sleep. I finally gave up, changed into jeans and a simple t-shirt and drove to the address Jane had given me.
The bar was on a long block lined with other sleazy bars, a dance club and, incongruously, a church. Well, maybe they need some place to go on Sunday that’s still in the neighborhood.
I pushed open the heavy wooden door. Even though there’s no smoking in bars anymore, I still felt the accumulated nicotine from decades of cigarette smoke immediately coat my skin.
The bar was dim, barely lit by the neon lights of the back bar and a faded, flickering beer sign near the door with one ‘e’ missing. There was no pool table, just a long bar and a few small tables scattered in the remaining open space.
A few heads turned my way, giving me a once over as I made my way into the bar. I knew Jane had black hair, but I wasn’t sure I’d recognize her face. I peered down the length of the bar, finally seeing a dark-haired woman seated on the last barstool, elbow on the bar, nursing a drink.
She barely looked up at me as I sat down but she did straighten up on the stool.
“So, you’re Jake’s new sub. Not what I would have pictured, but then again, who knows what his latest kink is.”
I watched as she drummed her fingers on the bar, fiddling with a book of matches. I was nervous meeting her but I suspected her nerves stemmed from a strong desire for a cigarette.
“You want to know about Jake? What my time with him was like?” She motioned to the bartender, who ambled down, refilling Jane’s drink. He cocked an eyebrow at me and I pointed to Jane’s glass. He nodded and wandered down the bar, eventually returning with a glass of what I hoped was soda. I took an experimental sip; it was.
“I guess I’m trying to understand what went wrong...” Jane’s snort of laughter cut me off.
“What went wrong? Start with when I my mother married that son of a bitch, Jim. That’s where it all went wrong.” Jane swiveled on the bar stool, meeting my eyes for the first time. I saw how red-rimmed they were, dark smudges on the pale skin beneath dark blue eyes.
She waved a finger at me. “But you’re here about Jake, not me. I get the picture.” She turned back to the bar, almost inhaling her drink.
“I have my own set of problems. I’m sure enough people have told you about them so I won’t bore you with the details. Let’s just say, I’m messed up in more ways than one and it’s not something that anyone can fix.”
She ran a hand through her hair, pushing it back from her face. “I had another Dom once. His name is Nick. Really nice guy. Understood me like no one else ever did, before or since. Knew exactly what I needed, how to give it to me, when to stop.” Her voice had gone soft, almost dreamy.
“We were so good together. But then, his wife got a job in a different city and he had to move. I understood, although it tore my heart out.” She spun the matchbook on the bar, watching with disinterest as it skidded off the edge, onto the floor.
“I found Jake...gentle, kind Jake. Or so I thought. You know, he looks like Nick. Maybe that’s what I liked, same dark hair, pretty boy type.” She looked at me, her eyes suddenly alive with a flame of inner fire.
“But you know, you’re his sub. You know exactly what he’s like. He flashes you a quick, dirty smile, turns on the charm and you do exactly as you’re told. And you love every minute of it, right?”
She was right, more or less, but I wasn’t sure answering her would be a good idea so I took a sip of my watered-down tepid soda.
“So we start, you know, slow. Real slow. I have a bit of experience. He has none. So I lead the way. Jake’s wants to learn everything he can, and he does. It was good, in the beginning. But I think he lost control one time too many and it frightened him. Frightened men are desperate men. And I think he viewed me as a project, something to salvage...reclamation. Told me he loved me.” That snort of laughter again.
“Like I needed to hear that. I’m not meant to be loved. I’m meant to be used. But Jake’s such a romantic, or a fool. Anyway, I wanted him to be my dominant, nothing more...I couldn’t handle more.” She played with her empty soda glass. I feared it would follow the matchbook to the floor.
“I bullied him, I guess, made him do things he probably wouldn’t have done. Say things he never would have said. Told him I’d leave if he didn’t. I tried to make things better in here...” she tapped her head “...by making it hard for Jake.”
She turned, her eyes searching mine. “You understand? I used him. Like I wanted to be used...needed to be used. But Jake’s not a ‘user’. And I’m not salvageable.”
She stared off down the bar, watching the bartender as he leaned on the bar, talking with a customer.
“He’s got such a nice ass. But he’s gay...too bad.” She sighed.
“Anyway, one night with Jake, I showed up high on something, or drunk. I don’t remember. I’d been that way before and he either didn’t know or didn’t care. He had me on the bed and I said something...something stupid.” There was a pause.
“I broke the house rules.”
I saw a tiny shiver run through her body. Her voice dropped to a whisper.
“He took me down to the other end of the room, said I needed to be punished. That he was going to spank me. At the first touch of his hand on my skin, it wasn’t Jake anymore; it was my step-dad, Jim. It was that bastard, with his greasy hands on me.”
She went silent. I waited, not sure where this was going, not sure I wanted to know.
“Something broke inside me then, something fragile; maybe the last piece of my sanity. Jake broke it, but I let him, didn’t stop him.”
She straightened up so suddenly she made me flinch, the glass wobbling on the bar. I reached out and steadied it.
“So I left, grabbed my clothes out of the bathroom, got in my car and drove away, wearing just my t-shirt. I had to stop a couple blocks away, get out of the car and finish getting dressed. I never went back. And the prick never came looking for me, so I figured it was what he wanted too.”
Jane turned to me again, riveting me with those red-rimmed eyes. “And you know the worst thing? The bastard never came looking for me. I figured it was what he wanted, too.” She leaned on her elbows as if the details of the story had exhausted her.
“So, does that satisfy your curiosity? Got the information you needed?”
“I only wanted the truth.” My voice was low, like I was speaking to a frightened animal, or a frightened child.
“The truth? I used Jake. He either didn’t care or cared too much. Either way it didn’t work out. What I wanted...needed...he couldn’t give me. Some things just can’t be fixed, no matter how badly you want them to be. I’m one of those things.”
The bartender suddenly called Jane’s name. She waved him off, sliding off the barstool.
“Look, I have to go to work. Whatever you’re looking for, I hope you find it. Because I’m never going to see you again, okay? This was a one-time deal.”
She disappeared behind the bar, pulling a dirty apron from behind the counter, tying it around her hips. She turned back, looking at me as if seeing me for the first time.
“You were there, the other night. I saw you. And I saw you when Chase bound you. You were that screaming bitch that got everyone all excited.” She made an unpleasant sound, somewhere between a cough and a laugh.
“I didn’t realize. Huh...Jake with you.” She turned away, then looked back over her shoulder.
“Better you than me.” She walked away without looking back, leaving me struggling to breathe.
The next couple of days all blended together in one long blur. I was sleep-deprived, restless, a disastrous combination. I wanted resolution but didn’t know what that resolution should be. I still had questions, still wanted answers...from both men. But my body and mind were exhausted. I wanted to put everything into perspective before I sought out either Chase or Jake.