It made him so angry to imagine those things, and with a hammer he smashed the set of china they’d been givenfor their wedding. Having let off steam, he was able to focus on what he had to do. Throughout March and April,Kevin spent hours in the library just as she must have done, trying to find her new identity. But even if she hadfound a name, how had she retrieved the identification? Where was she now? And why hadn’t she come home?
These were the questions that tormented him, and sometimes it was so confusing he couldn’t stop cryingbecause he missed her and wanted her to come home and he hated to be alone. But other times, the thought thatshe had left him made him dwell on how selfish she was and all he wanted to do was kill her.
July rolled in with the breath of dragons: hot and moist and horizons that shimmered like a mirage when seenfrom a distance. The holiday weekend passed and another week started. The air conditioner had broken in hishome and Kevin hadn’t called the repairman. He had a headache every morning when he went to work. Trial anderror proved that vodka worked better than Tylenol, but the pain was always there, pounding in his temple. He’dstopped going to the library, and Coffey and Ramirez asked about his wife again and he said that she was fine butsaid nothing else about her and then he changed the subject. He got a new partner named Todd Vannerty, who’djust been promoted. He was happy to let Kevin do most of the questioning when they talked to witnesses andvictims, and that was fine with Kevin.
Kevin told him that, almost always, the victim knew the murderer. But not always in an obvious way. At the endof their first week together, they were called out to an apartment less than three blocks from the precinct, wherethey found a ten-year-old boy who’d died of a bullet wound. The shooter was a recent emigrant from Greece whohad been celebrating a Greek soccer victory when he’d fired his gun at the floor. The bullet passed through theceiling of the apartment below him and killed the boy just as he was taking a bite of pizza. The bullet entered thetop of his head and the boy fell face-first into his pizza. When they saw the boy, there was cheese and tomatosauce on the boy’s forehead. His mother had screamed and cried for two hours and had tried to tackle the Greekas he was led down the stairs in handcuffs. She ended up tumbling down to the landing and they’d had to call anambulance.
Kevin and Todd went to a bar after their shift ended and Todd tried to pretend he could forget what he’d seen,but he drank three beers in less than fifteen minutes. He told Kevin that he’d failed his detective exam once, beforefinally passing it. Kevin drank vodka, though because Todd was with him, he told the bartender to add a splash ofcranberry juice.
It was a cop bar. Lots of cops, low prices, dim lights, and women who liked to hook up with cops. The bartenderlet people smoke, even though it was against the law, since most of the smokers were cops. Todd wasn’t marriedand had been there often. Kevin had never been there before and wasn’t sure he liked it, but he didn’t want to gohome, either.
Todd went to the bathroom and when he came back, he leaned closer to Kevin.
“I think those two at the end of the bar are checking us out.”
Kevin turned. Like him, the women appeared to be around thirty. The brunette noticed him staring before sheturned back to her redheaded friend.
“Too bad you’re married, huh? They look pretty good.”
They looked worn, Kevin thought. Not like Erin, who had clear skin and smelled of lemon and mint and theperfume he’d bought her for Christmas.
“Go ahead and talk to them if you want,” Kevin said.
“I think I will,” Todd said. Todd ordered another beer and walked to the end of the bar and smiled. He probablysaid something stupid, but it was enough to make the women laugh. Kevin ordered a double vodka, no cranberryjuice, and saw their reflection in the mirror behind the bar. The brunette met his eyes in the mirror, and he didn’tturn away. Ten minutes later, she sauntered over and took a seat on the stool that Todd had been occupying.
“Not feeling social tonight?” the brunette asked.
“I’m not good at small talk.”
The brunette seemed to consider this. “I’m Amber,” she said.
“Kevin,” he replied, and again, he didn’t know what to say. He took a drink, thinking it tasted almost like water.
The brunette leaned toward him. She smelled musky, not like lemon and mint. “Todd says that the two of youwork homicide.”
“We do.”
“Is that hard?”
“Sometimes,” he said. He finished his drink and raised the glass. The bartender brought another over. “Whatdo you do?”
“I’m an office manager at my brother’s bakery. He makes rolls and bread products for restaurants.”
“That sounds interesting.”
She gave a cynical smile. “No, it doesn’t. And it’s not, but it pays the bills.” Her teeth flashed white in the gloom.
“I haven’t seen you here before.”
“Todd brought me.”
She nodded in Todd’s direction. “Him, I’ve seen. He hits on anything in a skirt who’s still breathing. And I thinkthe breathing part is optional. My friend loves it here, but usually I can’t stand the place. She makes me come withher.”
Kevin nodded and shifted on his stool. He wondered if Coffey and Ramirez ever came here.
“Am I boring you?” she asked. “I can leave you alone if you’d like.”
“You’re not boring me.”
She flipped her hair and Kevin thought she was prettier than he’d first realized. “Would you like to buy me adrink?” she suggested.
“What would you like?”
“Cosmopolitan,” she said, and Kevin signaled to the bartender. The cosmopolitan arrived.
“I’m not very good at this,” Kevin admitted.
“Not good at what?”
“This.”
“We’re just talking,” she said. “And you’re doing fine.”
“I’m married.”
She smiled. “I know. I saw your ring.”
“Does that bother you?”
“Like I said, we’re just talking.”
She ran a finger along her glass and he could see the moisture collect on the tip.
“Does your wife know you’re here?” she asked.
“My wife is out of town,” he said. “Her friend is sick and she’s helping her out.”
“And so you thought you’d hit the bars? Meet some women?”
“I’m not like that,” Kevin said tightly. “I love my wife.”
“You should. Since you married her, I mean.”
He wanted another double vodka but didn’t want to order it in front of her, since he’d already done so. Instead,as if reading his mind, she signaled to the bartender and he brought over another one. Kevin took a large gulp,still thinking it tasted like water.
“Is it okay that I did that?” she asked.
“It’s okay,” he said.
She stared at him, her expression sultry. “I wouldn’t tell your wife that you were here if I were you.”
“Why not?” he asked.
“Because you’re way too handsome for a place like this. You never know who would try to hit on you.”
“Are you hitting on me?”
It took her a moment to answer. “Would you be offended if I said yes?”
He spun the glass slowly on the bar. “No,” he said, “I wouldn’t be offended.”
After drinking and flirting for another two hours, they ended up at her place. Amber understood that he wanted tobe discreet and gave him her address. After Amber and her friend left, Kevin stayed in the bar with Todd foranother half hour before he told Todd that he had to get home so he could call Erin.
When he drove, the world blurred around the edge of his vision. His thoughts were jumbled and confusing andhe knew he was swerving but he was a good detective. Even if he was stopped, he wouldn’t be arrested becausecops don’t arrest other cops, and what were a few drinks?
Amber lived in an apartment a few blocks away from the bar. He knocked at the door, and when she opened itshe was wearing nothing beneath the sheet she had wrapped around her. He kissed her and carried her to thebedroom and felt her fingers unbuttoning his shirt. He placed her on the bed and undressed and turned out thelight because he didn’t want to be reminded that he was cheating on his wife. Adultery was a sin and now that hewas here he didn’t want to have sex with her, but he’d been drinking and the world appeared smudged and she’dbeen wearing nothing except a sheet and it was all so confusing.
She wasn’t like Erin. Her body was different, her shape was different, and her scent was different. She smelledspicy, animal-like almost, and her hands moved too much, and everything with Amber was new and he didn’t like itbut he couldn’t stop, either. He heard her calling out his name and saying dirty things and he wanted to tell her toshut up so he could think about Erin, but it was hard to concentrate because everything was so confusing.
He squeezed her arms and heard her gasp and say, “Not so hard,” and he loosened his grip, but then hesqueezed her arms again because he wanted to. This time she said nothing. He thought about Erin and where shewas and whether she was okay and thought again how much he missed her.
He shouldn’t have hit Erin because she was sweet and kind and gentle and she didn’t deserve to be punchedor kicked. It was his fault she was gone. He’d driven her away, even though he loved her. He’d searched for herand hadn’t been able to find her and he’d been to Philadelphia and now he was with a woman named Amber whodidn’t know what to do with her hands and made strange noises and it felt all wrong.
When they were done, he didn’t want to stay. Instead, he got out of bed and started to get dressed. She turnedon the lamp and sat up in bed. The sight of her reminded him that she wasn’t Erin and he suddenly felt sick to hisstomach. The Bible says The man who commits adultery is an utter fool, for he destroys his own soul .
He had to get away from Amber. He didn’t know why he’d come, and as he stared at her, his stomach was inknots.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
“I shouldn’t be here,” he said. “I shouldn’t have come.”
“It’s a little late now,” she said.
“I have to go.”
“Just like that?”
“I’m married,” he said again.
“I know.” She gave a weary smile. “And it’s okay.”
“No, it’s not,” he said, and after getting dressed, he left her apartment and raced down the steps and jumped inhis car. He drove fast but didn’t swerve because the guilt he felt was like a sharp tonic to his senses. He made ithome and saw a light on at the Feldmans’ and he knew they would peek out their window as he pulled in hisdriveway. The Feldmans were bad neighbors and never waved at him and told kids to stay off their lawn. Theywould know what he’d done because they were bad people and he had done a bad thing and birds of a featherflocked together.
When he went inside, he needed a drink but the thought of vodka made him sick and his mind was racing. He’dcheated on his wife and the Bible says His shame will never be erased . He’d broken a commandment of God andbroken his vow to Erin and he knew the truth would come out. Amber knew and Todd knew and the Feldmansknew and they’d tell someone who’d tell someone else and Erin would learn what he had done. He paced the livingroom, his breaths coming fast because he knew he wouldn’t be able to explain it to Erin in a way she wouldunderstand. She was his wife and she would never forgive him. She’d be angry and she’d tell him to sleep on thecouch and in the morning she would look at him with disappointment because he was a sinner and she wouldnever trust him again. He shivered, feeling nauseated. He slept with another woman and the Bible says Have
nothing to do with sexual sin, impurity, lust, and shameful desires. It was all so confusing and he wanted to stopthinking but he couldn’t . He wanted to drink but he couldn’t and he had the feeling that Erin would suddenlyappear at their doorstep.
The house was messy and dirty and Erin would know what he’d done, and even though his thoughts werejumbled, he knew those two things were linked. He paced the living room frantically. Dirty and cheating werelinked because cheating was dirty and Erin would know that he’d cheated because the house was dirty, and thetwo of them went together. Suddenly, he stopped pacing and he strode to the kitchen and found a garbage bagbeneath the sink. In the living room, he dropped to his knees and crawled around, filling it with empty takeoutcontainers and magazines and plastic utensils and empty bottles of vodka and pizza boxes. It was well pastmidnight and he didn’t have to work in the morning, so he stayed awake cleaning the house and doing the dishesand running the vacuum that he’d bought for Erin. He cleaned so she wouldn’t know, because he knew thatcheating and dirty went together. He put the dirty clothes in the washer and when they were done he dried themand folded them while other loads were washing and drying. The sun came up and he pulled the cushions fromthe sofa and vacuumed until all the crumbs were gone. As he worked, he glanced out the window, knowing Erinwould be home any minute. He scrubbed the toilet and washed the food stains from the refrigerator and moppedthe linoleum. Dawn turned to morning and then to late morning. He washed the sheets and opened the drapes anddusted the frame that held the photograph of their wedding day. He mowed the lawn and emptied the clippings inthe garbage can and when he was done he went shopping and bought turkey and ham and Dijon mustard andfresh rye bread from the bakery. He bought flowers and set them on the table. He added candles. When he wasfinished he was breathing hard. He poured himself a tall, icy glass of vodka and sat at the kitchen table and waitedfor Erin. He was happy because he’d cleaned the house because it meant that Erin would never know what he’ddone and they would have the kind of marriage he’d always wanted. They would trust each other and be happyand he would love her forever and never cheat on her again because why on earth would he ever do somethingas disgusting as that?