“Next time she’s back in town,” Bill added, “why don’t you bring her by for dinner? Em’s been asking about her.
Unless, of course, you two would rather make up for lost time.” He winked.
Kevin wondered if the offer was genuine. On days like these, Bill liked to pretend he was just one of the guysinstead of the captain. But he was hard-edged. Cunning. More a politician than a cop. “I’ll mention it to her.”
“When did she take off?”
“Earlier this morning. She’s already there.”
The burgers were sizzling on the grill, the drippings making the flames jump and dance.
Bill pressed down on one of the patties, squeezing out the juice, drying it out. The man knew nothing aboutbarbecuing, Kevin thought. Without the juice they would taste like rocks—dry, flavorless, and hard. Inedible. “Hey,about the Ashley Henderson case,” Bill said, changing the subject. “I think we’re finally going to be able to indict.
You did good work, there.”
“It’s about time,” Kevin said. “I thought they had enough a while ago.”
“I did, too. But I’m not the DA.” Bill pressed down on another patty, ruining it. “I also wanted to talk to you aboutTerry.”
Terry Canton had been Kevin’s partner for the last three years, but he’d had a heart attack in December andhad been out of work since. Kevin had been working alone since then.
“What about him?”
“He’s not coming back. I just found out this morning. His doctors recommended that he retire and he decidedthey were right. He figures he’s already put in his twenty and his pension is waiting for him.”
“What does that mean for me?”
Bill shrugged. “We’ll get you a new partner, but we can’t right now with the city on a budget freeze. Maybe whenthe new budget passes.”
“Maybe or probably?”
“You’ll get a partner. But it probably won’t be until July. I’m sorry about that. I know it means more work for you,but there’s nothing I can do. I’ll try my best to keep your load manageable.”
“I appreciate that.”
A group of kids ran across the patio, their faces dirty. Two women exited the house carrying bowls of chips,probably gossiping. Kevin hated gossips. Bill motioned with his spatula toward the railing on the deck. “Hand methat plate over there, would you? I think these are getting close to being done.”
Kevin grabbed the serving platter. It was the same one that had been used to bring the hamburger patties outto the grill and he noted smears of grease and bits of raw hamburger. Disgusting. He knew that Erin would havebrought a clean platter, one without bits of raw hamburger and grease. Kevin set the platter next to the grill.
“I need another beer,” Kevin said, raising his bottle. “You want one?”
Bill shook his head and ruined another burger. “I’m still working on mine right there. But thanks.”
Kevin headed toward the house, feeling the grease from the platter on his fingertips. Soaking in.
“Hey,” Bill shouted from behind him. Kevin turned.
“Cooler’s over there, remember?” Bill pointed to the corner of the deck.
“I know. But I want to wash my hands before dinner.”
“Make it back quick then. Once I set the platter out, it’s every man for himself.”
Kevin paused at the back door to wipe his feet on the mat before heading inside. In the kitchen, he walkedaround a group of chattering wives and toward the sink. He washed his hands twice, using soap both times.
Through the window, he saw Bill set the platter of hot dogs and burgers on the picnic table, near the buns,condiments, and bowls of chips. Almost immediately flies caught the scent and descended on the feast, buzzingover the food and landing on the burgers. People didn’t seem to care as they formed a crazy line. Instead, theyshooed the flies and loaded their plates, pretending that flies weren’t swarming.
Ruined burgers and a cloud of flies.
He and Erin would have done it differently. He wouldn’t have pressed the burgers with the spatula and Erinwould have placed the condiments and chips and pickles in the kitchen so people could serve up there, where itwas clean. Flies were disgusting and the burgers were as hard as rocks and he wasn’t going to eat them becausethe thought made him nauseated.
He waited until the platter of burgers had been emptied before heading back outside. He wandered to the table,feigning disappointment.
“I warned you they’d go fast.” Bill beamed. “But Emily’s got another platter in the refrigerator, so it won’t belong until round two. Grab me a beer, would you, while I go get it?”
“Sure,” Kevin said.
When the next batch of burgers was done, Kevin loaded a plate of food and complimented Bill and told him itlooked fantastic. Flies were swarming and the burgers were dry and when Bill turned away, Kevin tossed the foodinto the metal garbage can on the side of the house. He told Bill that the burger tasted fantastic.
He stayed at the barbecue for a couple of hours. He talked with Coffey and Ramirez. They were detectives likehim, except they ate the burgers and didn’t care that the flies were swarming. Kevin didn’t want to be the first oneto leave, or even the second one, because the captain wanted to pretend he was one of the guys and he didn’twant to offend the captain. He didn’t like Coffey or Ramirez. Sometimes, when Kevin was around, Coffey andRamirez stopped talking, and Kevin knew they had been talking about him behind his back. Gossips.
But Kevin was a good detective and he knew it. Bill knew it, and so did Coffey and Ramirez. He workedhomicide and knew how to talk to witnesses and suspects. He knew when to ask questions and when to listen; heknew when people were lying to him and he put murderers behind bars because the Bible says Thou shalt not kill
and he believed in God and he was doing God’s work by putting the guilty in jail.
Back at home, Kevin walked through the living room. He resisted the urge to call for Erin. If Erin had been here,the mantel would have been dusted and the magazines would have fanned out on the end table and there wouldn’thave been an empty bottle of vodka on the couch. If Erin had been here, the drapes would have been opened,allowing the sunlight to stretch across the floorboards. If Erin had been here, the dishes would have been washedand put away and dinner would have been waiting on the table and she would have smiled at him and asked himhow his day had gone. Later they would make love because he loved her and she loved him.
Upstairs in the bedroom, he stood at the closet door. He could still catch a whiff of the perfume she’d worn, theone he’d bought her for Christmas. He’d seen her lift a tab on an ad in one of her magazines and smile when shesmelled the perfume sample. When she went to bed, he tore the page out of the magazine and tucked it into hiswallet so he’d know exactly which perfume to buy. He remembered the tender way she’d dabbed a little behindeach ear and on her wrists when he’d taken her out on New Year’s Eve, and how pretty she’d looked in the blackcocktail dress she was wearing. In the restaurant, Kevin had noticed the way other men, even those with dates,had glanced in her direction as she passed by them on the way to the table. Afterward, when they’d returnedhome, they made love as the New Year rolled in.
The dress was still there, hanging in the same place, bringing back those memories. A week ago, heremembered removing it from the hanger and holding it as he’d sat on the edge of the bed and cried.
Outside, he could hear the steady sound of crickets but it did nothing to soothe him. Though it was supposedto have been a relaxing day, he was tired. He hadn’t wanted to go to the barbecue, hadn’t wanted to answerquestions about Erin, hadn’t wanted to lie. Not because lying bothered him, but because it was hard to keep up thepretense that Erin hadn’t left him. He’d invented a story and had been sticking to it for months: that Erin calledevery night, that she’d been home the last few days but had gone back to New Hampshire, that the friend wasundergoing chemotherapy and needed Erin’s help. He knew he couldn’t keep that up forever, that soon thehelping-a-friend excuse would begin to sound hollow and people would begin to wonder why they never saw Erinin church or at the store or even around the neighborhood or how long she would continue to help her friend.
They’d talk about him behind his back and say things like, Erin must have left him, and I guess their marriage
wasn’t as perfect as I thought it was. The thought made his stomach clench, reminding him that he hadn’t eaten.
There wasn’t much in the refrigerator. Erin always had turkey and ham and Dijon mustard and fresh rye breadfrom the bakery, but his only choice now was whether to reheat the Mongolian beef he’d picked up from theChinese restaurant a couple of days earlier. On the bottom shelf, he saw food stains and he felt like crying again,because it made him think about Erin’s screams and the way her head had sounded when it had hit the edge ofthe table after he’d thrown her across the kitchen. He’d been slapping and kicking her because there were foodstains in the refrigerator and he wondered now why he’d become so angry about such a little thing.
Kevin went to the bed and lay down. Next thing he knew, it was midnight, and the neighborhood outside hiswindow was still. Across the street, he saw a light on in the Feldmans’ house. He didn’t like the Feldmans. Unlikethe other neighbors, Larry Feldman never waved at him if both of them happened to be in their yards, and if hiswife, Gladys, happened to see him, she’d turn away and head back into the house. They were in their sixties, thekind of people who rushed outside to scold a kid who happened to walk across their grass to retrieve a Frisbee orbaseball. And even though they were Jewish, they decorated their house with Christmas lights in addition to themenorah they put in the window at the holidays. They confounded him and he didn’t think they were goodneighbors.
He went back to bed but couldn’t fall asleep. In the morning, with sunlight streaming in, he knew that nothinghad changed for anyone else. Only his life was different. His brother, Michael, and his wife, Nadine, would begetting the kids ready for school before heading out to their jobs at Boston College, and his mom and dad wereprobably reading the Globeas they had their morning coffee. Crimes had been committed, and witnesses wouldbe in the precinct. Coffey and Ramirez would be gossiping about him.
He showered and had vodka and toast for breakfast. At the precinct, he was called out to investigate a murder.
A woman in her twenties, most likely a prostitute, had been found stabbed to death, her body tossed in aDumpster. He spent the morning talking to bystanders while the evidence was collected. When he finished with theinterviews, he went to the precinct to start the report while the information was fresh in his mind. He was a gooddetective.
The precinct was busy. End of a holiday weekend. The world gone crazy. Detectives were speaking intophones and writing at their desks and talking to witnesses and listening as victims told detectives about theirvictimization. Noisy. Active. People coming and going. Phones ringing. Kevin walked toward his desk, one of fourin the middle of the room. Through the open door, Bill waved but stayed in his office. Ramirez and Coffey were attheir desks, sitting across from him.
“You okay?” Coffey asked. Coffey was in his forties, overweight and balding. “You look like hell.”
“I didn’t sleep well,” Kevin said.
“I don’t sleep well without Janet, either. When’s Erin coming back?”
Kevin kept his expression neutral.
“Next weekend. I’ve got a few days coming and we’ve decided to go to the Cape. We haven’t been there inyears.”
“Yeah? My mom lives there. Where at the Cape?”
“Provincetown.”
“So does she. You’ll love it there. I go there all the time. Where are you staying?”
Kevin wondered why Coffey kept asking questions. “I’m not sure,” he finally said. “Erin’s making thearrangements.”
Kevin walked toward the coffeepot and poured himself a cup, even though he didn’t want any. He’d have to findthe name of a bed-and-breakfast and a couple of restaurants, so if Coffey asked about it, he’d know what to say.
His days followed the same routine. He worked and talked to witnesses and finally went home. His work wasstressful and he wanted to relax when he finished, but everything was different at home and the work stayed withhim. He’d once believed that he would get used to the sight of murder victims, but their gray, lifeless faces wereetched in his memory, and sometimes the victims visited him in his sleep.
He didn’t like going home. When he finished his shift, there was no beautiful wife to greet him at the door. Erinhad been gone since January. Now, his house was messy and dirty and he had to do his own laundry. He hadn’tknown how to work the washing machine, and the first time he ran it he added too much soap and the clothescame out looking dingy. There were no home-cooked meals or candles on the table. Instead, he grabbed food onthe way home and ate on the couch. Sometimes, he put on the television. Erin liked to watch HGTV, the home andgarden channel on cable, so he often watched that and when he did, the emptiness he felt inside was almostunbearable.
After work he no longer bothered to store his gun in the gun box he kept in his closet; in the box, he had asecond Glock for his personal use. Erin had been afraid of guns, even before he’d placed the Glock to her headand threatened to kill her if she ever ran away again. She’d screamed and cried as he’d sworn that he’d kill anyman she slept with, any man she cared about. She’d been so stupid and he’d been so angry with her for runningaway and he demanded the name of the man who had helped her so he could kill him. But Erin had screamed andcried and begged for her life and swore there wasn’t a man and he believed her because she was his wife. They’dmade their vows in front of God and family and the Bible says Thou shalt not commit adultery . Even then, hehadn’t believed that Erin had been unfaithful. He’d never believed another man was involved. While they weremarried, he’d made sure of that. He made random calls to the house throughout the day and never let her go tothe store or to the hair salon or to the library by herself. She didn’t have a car or even a license and he swung bytheir house whenever he was in the area, just to make sure she was at home. She hadn’t left because she wantedto commit adultery. She left because she was tired of getting kicked and punched and thrown down the cellarstairs and he knew he shouldn’t have done those things and he always felt guilty and apologized but it still hadn’tmattered.