She shouldn’t have run away. It broke his heart because he loved her more than life and he’d always taken careof her. He bought her a house and a refrigerator and a washer and dryer and new furniture. The house had alwaysbeen clean, but now the sink was full of dishes and his hamper was overflowing.
He knew he should clean the house but he didn’t have the energy. Instead, he went to the kitchen and pulled abottle of vodka from the freezer. There were four bottles left; a week ago, there’d been twelve. He knew he wasdrinking too much. He knew he should eat better and stop drinking but all he wanted to do was take the bottle andsit on the couch and drink. Vodka was good because it didn’t make your breath smell, and in the mornings, noone would know he was nursing a hangover.
He poured a glass of vodka, finished it, and poured another before walking through the empty house. His heartached because Erin wasn’t here and if she suddenly showed up at the door, he knew he’d apologize for hitting herand they’d work things out and then they’d make love in the bedroom. He wanted to hold her and whisper howmuch he adored her, but he knew she wasn’t coming back, and even though he loved her, she made him so angrysometimes. A wife didn’t just leave. A wife didn’t just walk away from a marriage. He wanted to hit and kick and slapher and pull her hair for being so stupid. For being so damn selfish. He wanted to show her it was pointless to runaway.
He drank a third and fourth glass of vodka.
It was all so confusing. The house was a wreck. There was an empty pizza box on the floor of the living roomand the casing around the bathroom door was splintered and cracked. The door would no longer close all theway. He’d kicked it in after she’d locked it, trying to get away from him. He’d been holding her by the hair as hepunched her in the kitchen and she’d run to the bathroom and he’d chased her through the house and kicked thedoor in. But now he couldn’t remember what they’d been fighting about.
He couldn’t remember much about that night. He couldn’t remember breaking two of her fingers, even though itwas obvious that he had. But he wouldn’t let her go to the hospital for a week, not until the bruises on her facecould be covered by makeup, and she’d had to cook and clean one-handed. He bought her flowers andapologized and told her that he loved her and promised it would never happen again, and after she got the castoff, he’d taken her into Boston for a dinner at Petroni’s. It was expensive and he’d smiled across the table at her.
Afterward, they’d gone to a movie and on the way home he remembered thinking about how much he loved herand how lucky he was to have someone like her as his wife.
21
Alex had stayed with Katie until after midnight, listening as she’d told the story of her prior life. When she was toospent and exhausted to talk anymore, he put his arms around her and kissed her good night. On his drive home,he thought that he had never met anyone braver or stronger or more resourceful.
They spent much of the next couple of weeks together—or as much as they could, anyway. Between the hourshe worked at the store and her shifts at Ivan’s, it wasn’t usually more than a few hours a day, but he anticipated hisvisits to her place with a sense of excitement he hadn’t felt in years. Sometimes, Kristen and Josh went with him.
Other times, Joyce would shoo him out the door with a wink, urging him to have himself a good time before heheaded over.
They seldom spent time at his house and when they did, it was only for short periods. In his mind, he wanted tobelieve it was because of the kids, that he wanted to take things slowly, but part of him realized it also had to dowith Carly. Though he knew he loved Katie—and he grew more certain with every passing day—he wasn’t sure hewas ready for that just yet. Katie seemed to understand his reluctance and didn’t seem to mind, if only because itwas easier to be alone at her place.
Even so, they’d yet to make love. Though he often found himself imagining how wonderful it would be,especially in those moments before sleep, he knew Katie wasn’t ready for that. They both seemed to realize itwould signal a change in their relationship, a hopeful permanence of sorts. For now, it was enough to kiss her, tofeel her arms wrapped around him. He loved the scent of jasmine shampoo in her hair and the way her handnestled so perfectly in his; the way their every touch was charged with delicious anticipation, as if they weresomehow saving themselves for each other. He hadn’t slept with anyone since his wife had died, and now he feltthat in some way he had unknowingly been waiting for Katie.
He took pleasure in showing her around the area. They walked the waterfront and past the historic homes,examining the architecture, and one weekend he took her to the Orton Plantation Gardens, where they wanderedamong a thousand blooming rosebushes. Afterward, they went to lunch at a small oceanfront bistro at CaswellBeach, where they held hands across the table like teenagers.
Since their dinner at her house, she hadn’t broached her past again, and he didn’t bring it up. He knew she wasstill working things out in her mind: how much she’d told him already and how much there still was to tell, whetheror not she could trust him, how much it mattered that she was still married, and what would happen if Kevinsomehow found her here. When he sensed she was brooding over such things, he would remind her gently thatno matter what happened, her secret would always be safe with him. He would never tell anyone.
Watching her, he would sometimes be overcome with an overwhelming rage at Kevin Tierney. Such men’sinstincts to victimize and torture were as foreign to him as the ability to breathe underwater or fly; more thananything, he wanted revenge. He wanted justice. He wanted Kevin to experience Katie’s anguish and terror, theunending bouts of brutal physical pain. During his time in the army, he’d killed one man, a soldier strung out onmethamphetamines who was threatening a hostage with a gun. The man was dangerous and out of control andwhen the opportunity arose, Alex had pulled the trigger without hesitation. The death had given his job a soberingnew meaning, but in his heart he knew that there were moments in life when violence was necessary to save lives.
He knew that if Kevin ever showed up, Alex would protect Katie, no matter what. In the army, he’d slowly come tothe realization that there were people who added goodness to the world and people who lived to destroy it. In hismind, the decision to protect an innocent woman like Katie from a psychopath like Kevin was as clear as blackand white—a simple choice.
On most days, the specter of Katie’s past life didn’t intrude, and they spent each day together in a state ofrelaxed and growing intimacy. The afternoons with the kids were particularly special for him. Katie was a naturalwith children—whether helping Kristen feed the ducks at the pond or playing catch with Josh, she always seemedto fall effortlessly into rhythm with them, by turns playful, comforting, rowdy, or quiet. In this way she was muchlike Carly, and he somehow felt certain that Katie was the kind of woman Carly had once spoken about.
In the final weeks of Carly’s life, he had maintained a vigil beside her bed. Even though she slept most of thetime, he was afraid of missing those times when she was conscious, no matter how short they might be. By then,the left side of her body was almost paralyzed, and speech was difficult for her. But one night, during a brief lucidperiod in the hour just before dawn, she’d reached for him.
“I want you to do something for me,” she said with effort, licking her cracked lips. Her voice was hoarse fromdisuse.
“Anything.”
“I want you to be… happy.” At this, he saw the ghost of her old smile, the confident, self-possessed smile thathad captivated him at their first meeting.
“I am happy.”
She gave a faint shake of her head. “I’m talking about the future.” Her eyes gleamed with the intensity of hotcoals in her sunken face. “We both know what I’m talking about.”
“I don’t.”
She ignored his response. “Marrying you… being with you every day and having children with you… it’s thebest thing I’ve ever done. You’re the best man I’ve ever known.”
His throat closed up. “Me, too,” he said. “I feel the same way.”
“I know,” she said. “And that’s why this is so hard for me. Because I know that I’ve failed—”
“You haven’t failed,” he broke in.
Her expression was sad. “I love you, Alex, and I love our kids,” she whispered. “And it would break my heart tothink that you’ll never be completely happy again.”
“Carly—”
“I want you to meet someone new.” She struggled to take a deep breath, her fragile rib cage heaving with theeffort. “I want her to be smart and kind… and I want you to fall in love with her, because you shouldn’t spend therest of your life alone.”
Alex couldn’t speak, could barely see her through his tears.
“The kids need a mom.” To his ears, it sounded almost like a plea. “Someone who loves them as much as I do,someone who thinks of them as her own children.”
“Why are you talking about this?” he asked, his voice cracking.
“Because,” she said, “I have to believe that it’s possible.” Her bony fingers clutched at his arm with desperateintensity. “It’s the only thing I have left.”
Now, as he saw Katie chasing after Josh and Kristen on the grassy shoulder of the duck pond, he felt abittersweet pang at the thought that maybe Carly had gotten her last wish after all.
* * *
She liked him too much for her own good. Katie knew that she was walking a dangerous line. Telling him abouther past had seemed like the right thing to do at the time, and speaking the words had freed her somehow fromthe crushing burden of her secrets. But the morning after their first dinner, she was paralyzed with anxiety bywhat she had done. Alex used to be an investigator, after all, which probably meant he could easily make a phonecall or two, no matter what he’d said to her. He’d talk to someone and they’d talk to someone and eventually, Kevinwould learn of it. She hadn’t told him that Kevin had an almost eerie ability to connect seemingly randominformation; she hadn’t mentioned that when a suspect was on the run, Kevin almost always knew where to findhim. Simply thinking about what she’d done made her sick to her stomach.
But gradually, over the next couple of weeks, she felt her fears ebb. Instead of asking her more questions whenthey were alone, Alex acted as if her revelations had no bearing on their lives in Southport. The days passed witheasy spontaneity, untroubled by shadows from her prior life. She couldn’t help it: she trusted him. And when theykissed, which happened with surprising frequency, there were times when her knees went shaky and it was allshe could do to stop from taking his hand and dragging him into the bedroom.
On Saturday, two weeks after their first date, they stood on her front porch, his arms wrapped around her, hislips against hers. Josh and Kristen were at an end-of-the-year swimming party hosted by a kid in Josh’s class.
Later, Alex and Katie planned to take them to the beach for an evening barbecue, but for the next few hours, they’dbe alone.
When they finally separated, Katie sighed. “You really have to stop doing that.”
“Doing what?”
“You know exactly what you’re doing.”
“I can’t help it.”
I know the feeling, Katie thought. “Do you know what I like about you?”
“My body?”
“Yes. That, too.” She laughed. “But I also like that you make me feel special.”
“You are special,” he said.
“I’m serious,” she said. “But it makes me wonder why you never found someone else. Since your wife passedaway, I mean.”
“I haven’t been looking,” he said. “But even if there was someone else, I would have dumped her so I could bewith you instead.”
“That’s not nice.” She poked him in the ribs.
“It’s true, though. Believe it or not, I’m picky.”
“Yeah,” she said, “real picky. You only go out with emotionally scarred women.”
“You’re not emotionally scarred. You’re tough. You’re a survivor. It’s actually kind of sexy.”
“I think you’re just trying to flatter me in the hopes I’ll rip off your clothes.”
“Is it working?”
“You’re getting closer,” she admitted, and the sound of his laughter reminded her again how much he lovedher.
“I’m glad you ended up in Southport,” he said.
“Uh-huh.” For an instant she seemed to disappear inside herself.
“What?” He scrutinized her face, suddenly alert.
She shook her head. “It was so close…” She sighed, hugging her arms around herself at the memory. “I almostdidn’t make it.”
22
Brittle snow coated the yards of Dorchester, forming a glittering shell over the world outside her window. TheJanuary sky, gray the day before, had given way to an icy blue and the temperature was below freezing.
It was Sunday morning, the day after she’d had her hair done. She peeked in the toilet for blood, sure she’d seesome after she peed. Her kidney still throbbed, radiating pain from her shoulder blades to the backs of her legs. Ithad kept her up for hours as Kevin snored beside her, but thankfully, it wasn’t as serious as it could have been.
After closing the bedroom door behind her, she limped to the kitchen, reminding herself that in just a couple ofdays, it would be over. But she had to be careful not to arouse Kevin’s suspicions, to play things exactly right. Ifshe ignored the beating he had given her the night before, he would be suspicious. If she went too far, he wouldbe suspicious. After four years of hell, she’d learned the rules.